Firstly I’m going to be completely honest and say that the daily struggles of dealing with infertility or any health condition can be incredibly hard, I have learnt how to be both patient and resilient as it is a constant battle of emotional highs and lows. As for our own personal situation and many others there is are no exact reason to why my husband and I are unable to conceive naturally, the medical title commonly given to people is ‘unexplained infertility’. Initially we were happy that nothing was found to be wrong but then it quickly turned into frustration and that was where I started looking for more answers, see Our Story page for more details.
There has been a study conducted by the Harvard University in America that concluded women suffering infertility are as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer, hypertension or recovering from heart attack. There is always a lot of emphasis on women, however we must not forget that it can take an emotional toll on men, they can find it more so difficult than women to talk to others about their feelings. Therefore it’s important for both men and women to create a network of close friends and family where they can comfortably confide and express their feelings.
I like to approach my health in a holistic manner and I have discovered many ways look after my mental health by incorporating daily mindful practices such as meditation, yoga & EFT ( Emotional Freedom Technique) I will do a blog post on mind-body connection to discuss more detail in the future.
For those going through the struggles of infertility often all they need is someone to listen, understand and provide support through out this difficult time. Speaking from personal experience, it is an emotional roller coaster and when insensitive comments are made it can strike a chord and bring up all kinds of emotions. I remember on many occasions where I have been given advice from people who truly mean well and I would just hold back on my thoughts, say nothing and agree with them. The only problem was that it would stay in my mind and play over and over, in the end I would get frustrated and end up in tears. My hubby would have to comfort me and then I would remind myself that they are not in our situation and most likely do not understand what they said was insensitive. It is like any personal struggle or crisis, unless you have walked in the persons shoes it is hard to relate to their experience.
Family and friends should not feel like they are stepping on egg shells or be afraid of what they can or can not say, like I said before the best advice I can give is to provide a listening ear as this is sometimes all your friend or family member may need.
Below I have complied a list of ways to approach the sensitive topic and what to avoid saying.
1. Do not say just relax or stop thinking about it.
Those words can be very hurtful, I know it can be unintentional but I can assure you when we started trying for a baby we were relaxed but after 12 months it was only natural to start worrying about it. Then when it becomes years, you start to think something is seriously wrong, and it consumes your life as you want answers. If it was as simple as just relax or stop thinking about it I’m pretty sure after 3+ years most people would conceive. For those reading and are dealing with infertility you can understand the month after month of disappointment, heartache and feeling of failure.
2. Avoid comparing and try not to give advice.
Unless you have been in a similar situation giving advice can be frustrating, most people dealing with infertility have spent hours researching, seeing specialists, had many tests all of which are time-consuming and not to mention the financial strain. For us personally we have trust in both my natural fertility specialist and my Doctor at the fertility clinic, I feel they have our best interest at heart and I’m glad we have a wonderful team to help us make decisions based on our individual needs.
3. Pregnancy announcements
This can be a sensitive subject and I highly recommend if you have a friend dealing with infertility that before you announce the news publicly on social media or in a group text message, consider personally writing them a letter, email or make a phone call. Yes it is an exciting time, however it is very important to communicate with your friend one on one and let them know that you understand if they feel the need to distance themselves from you for a while. Express to them that your friendship is important to you and when they are ready to talk you will be there for them for support, please do not ignore them it will only make them feel more isolated.
4. Ask the question when are you going to have children? Or are you going to have any more children?
I have been asked this question or many of times, it’s not really something you should be asking unless someone chooses to talk about it, as you don’t know what everyone’s personal situation is. I have also known people who have had their first child fairly easily then suffered from secondary infertility where they had trouble conceiving their second. In that situation NEVER tell them anything along the lines of “well at least you have a child”. Don’t assume, stop and think twice before asking personal questions or when stating your opinion.
5. Whinging and complaining
If you have children be conscious how much you whine or complain about parenthood and understand those struggling with infertility would give up anything to have sleepless nights, no time to themselves for example. We desperately want what you have and would do anything to experience the highs and lows of becoming a parent.
You may be asking now, well what can I do? Best thing you can do is offer your support and ask your family member or friend how they are feeling. Most often than not they just want a listening ear, if they want advice they will ask for it.
Below I have links that may be helpful also.
http://lovelylittlelife-hannah.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/9-things-infertile-women-want-women.html?m=1
http://lifewiththehawleys.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/what-not-to-say-to-someone-struggling_24.html?m=1
http://www.popsugar.com/moms/How-Support-Someone-Going-Through-IVF-38109574
http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family–friends/infertility-etiquette.html
” To accomplish great things we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan but also believe”- Anatole France
Xx Rosy
Spirited Rose 